Arguments are common in all relationships; they can be good or bad, what creates the difference is – how to argue in a relationship. In other words, arguing can be healthy as long as you’re doing it the right way.
So, the point is not to eliminate arguments; it’s finding a better way of arguing! The reason for posing a complaint in a relationship is to get your partner love you in a kinder way than how they do at that moment. Arguments occur because you’re in a relationship with a different person who sees life differently, yet your goal is to have a common way of looking at things. How to argue in a relationship;
Give up the need to be right about things
Don’t choose to be right over love for your partner, the need to be right triggers your ego making you criticize your partner more. Instead, soften your language and speak like how you would like to be spoken to.
Release your insecurities. Don’t be so defensive because it will offend the other person. If you feel you can’t speak nicely then just be quiet. It’s better to be wise than right. Loving your spouse is more important than being right!
Remember; It’s the two of you against the problem & not the two of you against each other!
When it comes to arguing, sometimes both sides are right just that one has not seen things from the world of the other. Other times you could be the problem but being defensive clouds you from seeing it. So, criticize yourself first before criticizing your partner, just don’t be so difficult because it sucks!
Quote: It’s about doing what is right and not what you want. So, love each other even in the moments when you don’t like each other.
Bonus tip: If it’s a woman complaining, mostly what she might be talking about might not be the thing affecting her. So, you got to put that in consideration because you might end up arguing about wrong things.
Instead of talking back just listen, then go hug her and speak something positive that soothes her heart. Because she might be feeling unloved.
Don’t be too Reactive (Don’t be critical)
In most cases, when someone says something the other person has a ready answer! It becomes a game of action & reaction; like friction and where there is friction, things get hot!!!
I came across a meme which said, ‘Arguments occur because we don’t listen to understand, mostly we listen to reply’.
One reason we fall in love is to be loved and appreciated so that we can feel good about ourselves. Being reactive and critical only produces the opposite of what we seek from the other person. Mostly when reacting to someone when we’re defensive and angry, we don’t really think; our assumptions are usually negative.
That’s why it’s good when you say nothing when your partner freaks out, so that you give yourself time and comeback later when you’re in the moods to talk. This way you reduce ‘friction’ and pause the fire, you won’t reflect anger with anger.
Quote: Don’t jump to conclusions, but be sure of what you’re saying before you pose a complain. This shows you do care.
Bonus tip: It’s not what you complain about that creates the argument, it’s just that both partners are feeling unloved or misunderstood but try to express it in so many words and so many ways.
Don’t mix it all up
Stay true to the fight; don’t bring in other irrelevant issues to make your points ‘stronger’, because this makes the relationship weaker. Mostly we use words like, ‘always & never’ i.e. you always come home late, you never take me out; this now goes personal and it makes your partner the problem, you’re not talking about the real problem anymore.
When you bring ‘always & never’ in, you’ll bring up the mistakes in the past (some that you’ve already solved) and this makes the whole argument irrelevant. Such things only make the conflict much bigger and more complicated; and this lowers a person’s self-esteem. Everyone makes mistakes, that’s important to remember.
You don’t have to prove your point by pinning them down with their past. If you have to talk about their past mistakes, then do it in a concerned way.
Like, ‘Hey this is not the first time you’re doing this; don’t you think this is becoming a habit sweetheart? Don’t give it a chance, you can do better!’
Also, stick to what you want; Instead of using a backdoor of ‘you never take me out, you always come home late’, inquire or request them; ‘…how about a hangout this weekend, why can’t you try and come home early…?’. Don’t complain about it, be concerned about it.
Bonus tip: Mostly when you’re angry, you’ll find yourself telling the other person bad things about them that you always hide when you’re normal. This makes them feel that’s how you always think about them and the moment that information leaks in such a moment (it’s better to speak out freely what you always feel is wrong when your mind is ‘sober’ for it will be light and well accepted), then worry and doubts about you kicks in. They feel insecure with you.
The question to digest is; If someone had a bad day, are you the kind of a partner they will come to & find relief in your arms by sharing with you the bad day or are you the partner they’ll come and see as another threat who extends their bad day?
Your partner should deal with life struggles in a way that adds to your life and not one that takes away from you.
You might want to check out part_2 of this article; How to Argue in A Relationship The Right Way_2